The Art of Forgiving by Lewis B. Smedes

I hate admitting I’m wrong, but could I really have been wrong about forgiveness, of all things?

That’s a dumb question.

In Lewis B. Smedes’s The Art of Forgiving, there is some much needed clarification on the subject of forgiveness. Smedes unknowingly spoke of me when he suggested some possess “stubborn distortions of the meaning of forgiving.”  So to bolster his defense of forgiveness, he stated:

Forgiving someone who did us wrong does not mean that we tolerate the wrong he did.

Forgiving does not mean that we want to forget what happened.

Forgiving does not mean we excuse the person who did it.

Forgiving does not mean that we take the edge off the evil that was done to us.

Forgiving does not mean that we surrender our right to justice.

Forgiving does not mean we invite someone who hurt us once to hurt us again.

I loved this book. I needed this book. Tell me how you feel about the subject of forgiveness and I just might send you a copy of The Art of Forgiving. Leave a comment and I’ll randomly select a winner.

And there was a story behind it, as well.

I spent this past week at ACU for a Practical Skills and Theory short course during residency week. Sure enough, it was exactly as its title would indicate. But there was a hidden element left for Friday that most assuredly caught me off guard. Dr. Bailey called them Barnabas stories, and each of us got to tell one.

Barnabas stories were our opportunity to open up about a conflict situation we’ve experienced. I told my own story and got to listen to 10 others. Telling my story was difficult, but listening to others tell their stories was even more difficult. There were a lot of tears and a lot of hugs. We bonded and it was beautiful.

So what did I learn from such an exhausting day?

Everyone has a story.

There’s a lot going on in the lives of everyday, normal people you engage on a regular basis. You’d never know it but it is true. So…

1. Give people a break. Someone might tick you off but it might not have anything to do with you. That person may be in serious pain and their actions are merely a response to it.
2. When you discover a person’s story, and it is a painful one, give them a hug. You don’t need to give them your insights, opinions, or counsel. Just give them a hug.
3. Open up. You’ve got a story, too, and you know it. Your story might help them in their time of need. That’s what friends do. So be a friend.

If you were a part of my Practical Skills and Theory group, I want you to know that you each touched me in your own unique way. You helped incite in me emotions that needed to be resuscitated. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your stories!

Last Wednesday evening, NMCCH had its annual end of the school year awards ceremony. I was proud of all the home kids, but I was especially proud of my children. In fine fashion, Haylee performed her rendition of Francesca Battistelli’s, This is the Stuff. Aby put on her best smile for all to see. Reese won a Cloverbud 4-H award of $25. It was a wonderful evening made even more special by something else.

An accidental oversight caused a 14-year-old girl sitting at our table to miss being called up for promotion and a reading of her Victory List. Initially, Tisha and I both missed it as well, but eventually she asked, “What about me?” Tisha quickly apprised the MC of the evening of the oversight, and she soon got her own special moment. But there’s more…

Reese, my rough and tough yet immensely compassionate 7-year-old son, was in compassion mode. Feeling bad for the young lady, he decided to give her $5 of the $25 he received as a 4-H award. His words were, “I wanted her to have something.” The young lady was obviously touched. Later she would give the money back to him, but the impression was indelibly etched in our minds. He gets it.

$5 can’t buy much, but its value can’t be confined merely to what it can or can’t buy. To restrict the worth of $5 to a monetary value is to limit the psychological and emotional impact that a gift of any size can affect. On Wednesday evening, $5 was worth infinitely more than the price of a Happy Meal.

The gospels according to both Mark (Mark 12:41-44) and Luke (Luke 21:1-4) tell a story about Jesus seeing people offering rich gifts to the temple treasury while a widow donated all she had, the smallest of Roman coins. In Jesus’ mind, the widow “put in more than all the others” (v. 3, NIV). In the mind of Christ, worth isn’t attached to monetary value. Worth is attached to the heart. Others had given of their abundance, but the woman had given of her poverty.

In the last couple of years, I’ve witnessed people do this kind of thing. People of faith are making a difference with $5, $10, or $20. The poorest of peoples in Honduras are being fed. Kids in Mexico are being helped with school supplies. The homeless in Lubbock are being cared for in numerous ways. Young ladies are being assured that people care. How? $5 at time.

Care to share with me your thoughts?

While knowing “the rules” always helps, and very well may be all that is needed for some, it simply isn’t the panacea for the problem of sin and temptation. It never has been. It never will be.

Thankfully, though, Jesus began to outline an approach that truly got to the heart of things. I find it noteworthy that when Jesus found himself ministering to people wrapped up in sin, he really never said, “Well, Torah says…,” and then left it at that. I think even Jesus believed simply communicating scripture verses isn’t enough.

So what then is needed in our churches?

Transparency. I’ve noticed that the healthiest churches are the ones where members feel free to be open about their lives. Too often it’s the case that church members feel compelled to erect facades, to mask the realities that is their lives, because they are fearful of the repercussions of being open, honest and transparent. Yet, the more transparent we are, and the more transparent others are, the more we’ll discover that we aren’t alone in our personal struggles. We find out that others have been down the roads we are traveling. That can’t but help us!

Trust. I’ve become a real fan of churches which- in lieu of a formal invitation- are now encouraging members to meet with elders and church leaders privately for prayer after services. I’ve grown somewhat weary of “the invitation” as we do it. One reason for this weariness  is that a lot of people, especially in my fellowship of the Churches of Christ, are extremely reluctant or outright resistant to “coming forward.” Why? The rumor mill is too large and loud. I wish it weren’t so but I’ve seen it altogether too often. There’s not much more frustrating than to have someone “come forward” seeking prayer, only to have church members in the back foyer speculating about what the one who “came forward” did. I’ve seen this kind of pathetic behavior multiple times with multiple churches. The fact is: people don’t trust others sitting in the pew. They’ve been burned one too many times and they aren’t going “there” anymore.

Inside-Out Transformation. I’m a believer in health, wellness and self-improvement, but it only gets us so far because it works, by and large, from the outside-in. Outside-In Transformation is effective, but it frequently misses the mark of authentic, enduring change.

For example, there are a lot of things I don’t do because it’s against the law, not because I agree with the law. I think state mandated seatbelt laws are ludicrous, but I abide by them because “it’s the law.” My heart isn’t in them, though. I know… I know… Seatbelts save lives! But legislating against practices like that- ones that have no bearing on anyone outside of the person wearing or not wearing the seatbelt- are just too much in my estimation. The law on seatbelts can’t change my heart about them, but other things can. Death from not wearing one can change my heart for sure. The heartfelt belief that seatbelts actually save lives can too. But a law just doesn’t do that. We need Inside-Out Transformation- something akin to a spiritual/emotional  heart transplant-for enduring change!

There you have it. I think these are the three most crucial keys to getting beyond the problem revealed in the Neue article cited in the first post of this series. Take them and run with them. Be creative and find ways to make them work for you. Too much is at stake not to!

I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin revived and I died, and the very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an opportunity in the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me. Romans 7:9-11, NRSV.

The law is holy, just and good (v. 12), it’s how you live by it that determines how it might affect you. This is why he would tell the Corinthian church “the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life” (2 Corinthians 3:6; cf. Romans 7:4-6).

Paul’s point in Romans 7:9-11? The law told me not to do something, but sin used the law to get him to do it anyway. It seems preposterous that he actually suggested, “the very commandment that promised life to me proved to be death to me.” But that is exactly what he declared.

Not convinced that simple prohibitions aren’t enough? In Colossians 2:20-21 Paul asked, “Why do you submit to regulations, ‘Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch?’” After all, they “have an appearance of wisdom…but they are of no value in checking self-indulgence” (v. 23). Prohibitions are needed, but they obviously aren’t the solution.

You can’t legislate away temptation and sin. Think of all the laws on the books in our land, but those laws don’t eliminate the problems. For some, the fear of consequences is enough to keep them from doing certain things; but for others, it only tempts them. Prohibition didn’t work. Many believe the war on drugs isn’t working, either. Moreover, experience has shown me that when I tell my kids not to do something, there is a good chance that they are going to give it a try, nonetheless. It’s not that I want them to; it’s that the temptation to test is too great.

In the next couple of days, I hope to unpack some thoughts that will allow us to approach complex problems in a way that delves deeper than surface prohibitions to touch the heart, where transformation rests.

How was Joseph purged of conceit? He spent significant time in an Egyptian dungeon.

How did the apostle Paul learn to appreciate grace? He possessed a physical ailment that taught him God’s grace was sufficient.

How do you rejoice in salvation when you know the greatest man ever to live had to die so agonizingly to make it possible? The blessings of God often come through unconventional, and often painful, experiences.

Take a moment and listen to the powerful words “Blessing” by Laura Story. Think…What if?

There may not be a more diluted religious term than “faithful.” I’m dead serious here. Have you ever found two people- any two people- who were in complete and total agreement about what it means to be “faithful?” I’m in no way suggesting, because it poses some issues, we shouldn’t use it. It is a biblical term, one repeatedly expressed in scripture for a purpose. But my studies reflect, by and large, it’s meaning implies “trustworthiness” more than anything. This isn’t always the case, but it more often than not fits the context. Paul would say, “Faithful is the saying…” (1 Tim. 1:15, ESV). By that he meant that you could trust it. It was something you could bank on to be true.

While I believe “faithful” could be used in many contexts, I don’t believe the way it tends to be used in the context of marital fidelity is doing the word any favors. In fact, I’m convinced that using it in such a restricted way- as simply an adjective applied to a person who hasn’t cheated on a spouse- is causing people to think that not committing adultery is what makes one faithful. And this simply isn’t the case.

Much of this can be chalked up to the ever-present debates on Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage. Interpretations of Matthew 19:9 are numerous as to how the “fornication” clause should be applied. No small few contend that the only grounds upon which a marriage can be terminated is when fornication is the ground. If course, this isn’t the only passage that addresses the subject, but it gets the most play, nonetheless. The end result? A husband is considered “faithful” if he’s never cheated.

Wrong! This is anything but the case. I’m not buying it… at all. A verbally abusive husband is faithful to his wife just because he hasn’t cheated? Nope. A physically abusive husband is faithful to his wife just because he hasn’t cheated? Not a chance. A husband who belittles and demeans his wife regularly is faithful just because he’s not sleeping with another woman on the side? Give me break.

Are you ready for this one? A husband who shows his wife no love whatsoever is faithful just because he hasn’t committed adultery? It just doesn’t make sense. Here’s why.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her with washing of water by the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. Ephesians 5:25-27, ESV

What about this? Sounds to me like this, not Matthew 19:9, is the litmus test for faithfulness. You see, you can not cheat on your spouse but still not love her as you should. You can not commit adultery, but still not treat her with the dignity and respect she deserves. In the end, there is more to being faithful than just not having sex with another person.

It seems reasonable to suggest that adultery is really just a symptom, a result not a stimulus. Love, respect, dignity are stimuli for something special. But they don’t generate adultery, for sure. In fact, love, respect and dignity are at the heart of faithfulness. How can one not have them and really be faithful?

I’m anything but a perfect husband. I’ve never had an affair, but in my estimation that’s nothing to brag about. I definitely don’t deserve a pat on the back for not doing what I shouldn’t do to begin with.

There have been gaping holes in my relationship with Tisha. I haven’t always listened to her. I haven’t always respected her. I haven’t always loved her as I should. Many of you might be thinking the same thing about your own relationship with your spouse. We need to quit, though, sending the message that what makes a person faithful to their spouse is that they haven’t cheated on them… because it simply isn’t so.

Hebrews 13:2 for instance. It packs considerable command force linguistically, but I’ve never heard someone suggest that to not invite someone into their home when they had the opportunity was a sin. Something here has to give. If we looked at Hebrews 13:2 like other passages, nobody would get to heaven. Or, maybe just maybe, grace would actually mean something significant to those who did. But I digress.

Until the last several years, I never put much into Hebrews 13:2. I rationalized it away like I did so many other things. But that changed in one night. Hebrews 13:2 became real to me and I will go to my grave believing that the last half of the passage is, indeed, a real possibility. But that’s another story for another time.

Would we look at people any differently if we believed that maybe, just maybe, those people were more than who we thought they were? What if the panhandler at the exit of the local WalMart was something more? What if the girl with piercings in her nose, eyebrows, tongue and maybe even those some snake bites below her bottom lip was more than the outward would indicate? Is it even possible? If not, what are we to think of Hebrews 1:14?

Any thoughts?

I’d like to take some time and unpack some of those things over the next few weeks. Right now my list is at five. More might come but here’s what I have so far.

1. A minister’s job isn’t to grow or save a church.

2. God, not human ingenuity, grows a church numerically and spiritually after Jesus.

3. A husband isn’t faithful just because he doesn’t cheat on his spouse.

4. It’s much easier to talk about wanting to be a peacemaker than it is to actually live like one.

5. The future is bright!

What did 2010 teach you?

Why? How? What caused it?

If that’s you, then I direct you here. If it’s not you, then I still encourage you to click on that link. It just might save you from making a fatal mistake. Take a second, though, and follow my directions below.

First, read Hubris Defined. Then jump to Descending Hubris. Like nothing else, this author captures what has most made the difference, insofar as my personal contributions are concerned.

Keep in mind, God has actually been at the root of it all, slowly and often painfully working his work (Philippians 2:12-13). But life’s experiences have done their part to shake the old me to the core, leaving something significantly different than before.

I feel it imperative to admit…I know the author and he knows me. In fact, we know each other well enough that, at times, it’s been unsettling for each of us.  We’ve actually been closer than blood brothers, so it seems. At other times, we’ve fought as much as blood brothers fight.

I can’t, nor would he want me to, take credit for it all, but given how we functioned together for a five year period of time, I am confident that some of the blame for his “hubris” should be laid at my feet. We’ve actually discussed it. Nevertheless, at that time, I gave no indication that his ascent up the mountain of hubris, a mountain I too was climbing, was a mistake. In fact, I am confident that in numerous ways I encouraged him to make the lofty climb. In fact, that too he was willing to affirm. At my request, he also outlined some particulars that help me to ascertain the nuances to Descending Hubris. For that I am thankful.

Now if you have the courage and stamina to read Descending Hubris in its entirety, you’ll find what exists as the impetus for all that is different, for all that has changed, in me. Do with it what you will.

If you are one who is making the arduous ascent up a mountain of misery, the mountain of hubris, think carefully about what the author suggests. If you are one who’s found that the air is too think to sustain life at the top, then you might be on your way down yourself. In my estimation, that’s great. Don’t worry about those with whom you cross paths on your descent. Let’s hope they find out what it’s like for themselves. In the end, they’ll either jump or wisely descend. I chose the latter. So did the author. You might should too.